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As of recent, something has been on my mind... and that is the lack of updating I've been doing in the last months. And seeing the posts I have been making, I'm not pleased with the negativity. Sure, with all blogging, negative thoughts will be present, but upon further thought, I realized that I've never really been able to post about positive things in my LJ. Why? I just don't know.. but I think it might have something to do with the fact that for most of this time of having a LiveJournal, my life hasn't been positive in general. It's sad, but true.
Today, however, I feel that even though I have stepped into a life that is significantly more positive, I still can't seem to shake the negative aura of this journal. That has caused me to start blog shopping. I feel that the time has come to bid farewell from LiveJournal. So many things have been changing, and it only seems appropriate to move on and blog in a different world. It's been so many years, and this has been a big part of me.. but eh, it's time to step forward.
Farewell.
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Saturday, April 8th, 2006
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Here are a few photos from our trip to Seattle last weekend.
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| Time: | 7:55 pm. |
| Mood: |  discontent. |
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It's been a while, I know.
Amongst my piles of mental lists of things to do and my internal panic about the summer months nearing, I found a few minutes to put some thoughts here.
Two weeks ago today, I decided to go on a "strict diet." I was determined to make this time unlike the other times where I ended up giving up after a short amount of time. From Monday morning until Friday afternoon, I had superb eating habits and I worked out. I felt miserable great. At dinnertime on Friday, I felt just plain starving... to the point that I couldn't ignore. Since that moment, I have not been able to work out or eat well. Inside, I am panicking over it. Remember, I was determined?! I was determined to finally have a decent-looking body for the summer, allieviating a lot of my self-consciousness... so here's what I'm wondering...
Where is my determination? What kind of person am I that I can't even stick to something for more than four and a half days?
Somehow, even with this panic, I am still able to totally ignore it for the sake of eating things that I only think make me feel better. I think that's definitely my number one obstacle at this point: getting over the emotional attachment to food. Anybody know how to do that? I haven't quite figured it out at this point.
I am reminded, however, to remember my blessings. Last week, a coworker of mine's daughter passed away from CF. She was only 25. It's so sad to think about, but it reminded me that even if I am a little chubby, man, I'm still healthy. It is a definite reality check for me, and a real smack in the face about how serious and tragic CF is...
--
Oh, and I'm moving out. At least I'm taking one step in the right direction.
(And don't get me wrong, in general, everything is fantastic... the LJ, as we all know, usually gets the sore end of the deal.)
:)
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Monday, January 23rd, 2006
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It seems like just yesterday that it was the end of summer... I was meeting Jesse [and falling quickly, I might add], and going off for a bittersweet trip to Denver to help out a person I thought would be a friend for a long time.
Due to some misunderstandings (serious misunderstandings), I was abruptly annexed from her life for good. That is something that has bothered me for nearly six months. It's not even the fact that I, "annoyed the fuck" out of her... it's the fact that she valued my friendship so little that she was willing to erase me at the drop of a dime.
I feel like a fool for caring about her so much. I cried for her. I would have done anything to help her out. Hell, I spent over $100 and took unpaid time off of work to be there for her. The day I thought of that idea was the day I sealed my fate to never be friends with her again.
I see things all the time that remind me of her, and I have to fight off my negative feelings. She's probably long forgotten about me. I know that by how easy it was for her to just say we're not friends anymore. Maybe she saw our connection as shallow for not really there. Personally, I adored her. She is so strong and insightful, determined, and a good person to know.
It kills me to think that I was viewed as so dispensible. It just kills me.
I don't imagine she'll ever come across this entry... I just wanted to write because tonight while I was driving home from Jesse's, I saw her. And there's really nothing I can do to change this situation. It's obvious that God was not in favor of this friendship, so it had to end. It is just taking a lot of time to come to terms with the whole situation...
I hope things are going well for you. You truly deserve the best.
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Monday, January 2nd, 2006
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What a way to spend my holiday off... sick! The flu I had about a month ago was worse than this (I can still function, thank God), but I just haven't been sick this often for a long time. It doesn't surprise me; I'm not living as healthy as I should. That's something that I need to change.
I have been sucessfully avoiding MySpace lately because it makes me sad. I look at all the pictures of my college friends having great times and it makes me miss Pullman so much. I can't say that I would rather be in Pullman right now, but my stress level here with the life I have now is draining. But, I know that wherever I will be, I will have stress. The difference is not letting situations dictate my day-to-day moods. I've let situations control my moods, and it's taken a toll on everything: my health, my relationships, my general happiness. Jesse and I almost broke up the other day. Things just have to be different. It's going to take some time for me to just chill out and stop being so uptight, but I'll be okay. The thing that is Jesse has put up with me and feels that I'm worth it. That's a first!
Learning how to have a relationship is tough.
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Friday, October 7th, 2005
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Something is missing. Even despite doing everything I thought I needed to do in order to be happy, I still find myself miserable. Don't I have everything that I need? I have a job, don't have to pay rent, have minimal bills, and I even have a boyfriend who loves me so much. I thought that surely those things would help me be happy. But no, I still cry all the time, mostly for some unknown reason. Jesse pointed something out to me last night that is most definitely how I have been living my life; with the "I'll be happy when ______..." mentality. It's so true... In Pullman, it was, "I'll be happier when I get back home and won't have school to worry about." Then when I got home, the mentality was, "I'll be happy when I get a job." Now, I'm saying again, "I'll be happier when I go back to school and work part-time." Okay, so now that I'm home and have a job, why am I still so unhappy?
The job that is "so great" isn't turning out to be as great as I wanted. I am not one of those people who is just willing to accept that "welcome to the working world" crap. I refuse to be someone who goes to work just for money--and lives for the end of the day. I want to be content at all hours of the day. I just feel that someone with my abilities shouldn't be stuck doing simple data entry or back-scanning. As it may be important, I still can't do it. I hate it.
After I got everything that I thought I needed, and realized I was still miserable, I decided that I had let myself go too long without a Prozac intervention. I got my perscription again and started taking 30mg a day. The week I did that was a rollercoaster--I was overreacting about just about everything; my emotions were so exaggerated. When, on Sunday, I laid in Jesse's bed crying my eyes out for no reason, we discussed the posibility of me taking too much Prozac, and decided that I would try to cut down the dosage to 10mg. This week was pretty much me being upset and exhausted all the time. I have been doing courier work for the week, filling in for someone, so my job was much more physical [a good thing, essentially--I don't stare at the clock all day], but I was so tired every day. I feel sorry for Jesse for having to deal with me and all my emotions. He feels sometimes that there's something he's not doing that's making me this way. I can understand why he feels that way; I know that sometimes I "feel" like there is much more I want from him, but I know that's only because there's something missing inside of me that is making me seek more of everything else that I would normally be content with.
He told me last night that maybe I need a hobby. I can see that...I feel a lot of the time that my life is stagnent, that I don't have any goals or ambitions right now. I wake up, go to work, then go home and spend time with Jesse. I haven't even been able to work out. I feel totally unmotivated about everything [which I assume is just another symptom of this depression, along with wanting to sleep all the time]. I don't take as good of care of myself as I used to. I am falling, sliding downhill, and it's so scary to me. I'm even resorting to self-mutilation again, which is the absolute worst part of the whole thing. Whenever I do something that upsets Jesse, he needs a minute to be alone so that he can cool off and think things over [due to a history of lack of temper control... not with me, though]. During that time, I don't know what to do with myself. I feel horrible for hurting him, but I can't just run in and say I'm sorry since he's having his moment, and since I am stubborn. So I sit there and become absorbed with how awful I feel, how scared I am. In his bathroom once, I bashed my forehead into the wall so much that I bled. Last night, I scratched a little hole into the back of my hand.
I need help.
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Monday, September 12th, 2005
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Wow. It feels like every time I start adapting to a new chapter of my life, a new one is added and I am left having to pick myself up after having the rug pulled out from underneath me. When I got home from school I was depressed because I was getting used to living at home, but I eventually pulled myself up when I finally got a job and was able to have a base for a routine. But then there was the getting used to the job; I had to learn how to have a job and still do everything else like keeping my rooms clean, eating all right, spending time with friends [and now boyfriend] and working out... I haven't even pulled myself up in that aspect yet, and it's been two months. Now, the biggest one I've had to adapt to: having a boyfriend. As much as I thought in my single days that I was so ready for a relationship, I don't think I was prepared at all. For so long it's been me and no one else. I've worried about myself and nobody else. I've been stubborn and so set in my ways. Now, there's somebody here who pays attention to everything about me. What I say and do has a direct effect on him, and it is making me realize all of my downfalls. It's making me realize that I really have a lot more bad moods than I thought I did. Before, it didn't matter when I was cranky; no one was around to pay attention, no one wanted to make me feel better either. I just sat around and didn't talk to anyone. That's a huge thing that I've had to get used to: someone caring about every feeling I have. It's strange, and sometimes I just want to tell him not to care, but I know he would never just not care. I feel sorry for him that he has to deal with all of my moods. I am also sad that I am so hard to understand. I don't even understand myself. The best part about it, though, is that even when I have been cranky and upset about freakin' nothing, he's still told me that he loves me. I just think that it's a lot harder for me to adapt to sharing my everything with someone than it is for him. He was in a relationship for years, so he knows how it goes. I've never had that before, so this is all so new and strange I guess. I just hope he is patient with me.
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Thursday, August 25th, 2005
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I thought that my wisdom teeth were begging to get out. I developed this gash [that's sort of an oxymoron when I think about it] on my gums underneath my furthest-back molar on the left, tongue-side. It's been sore and hot. It has made my face swell a little too, but not noticably. I got an appointment with the dentist today--lucky me--and right when they looked at it, they decided it, in fact, wasn't my wisdom teeth at all. The dentist and the assistant asked if I had maybe cut my gum with a potato chip or something, but I can't think of anything I've eaten in the past four days that I think would even have a possibility of cutting my gum that bad. The main reason why it's sore though is because it's infected. Isn't that sick? So I suppose I'll just be using mouthwash religiously, trying to kill the germs. It's not terrible pain or anything, but it's uncomfortable to eat and talk.
I'm trying as hard as I can to completely block Pullman out of my head. I don't mean anyone that's there or anything, but I know that if I start thinking about it too much, I'm going to get sad and wish I were there. Of course, it's becoming quite obvious to me that this all happened for a great reason (meeting Jesse, the most amazing guy ever), but I think I mostly just think about how wonderful of an experience it was. I loved it. Even if there were days where I felt unhappy for whatever reason, I still think about "the days" and how I had my own space, my own agenda. I could go downstairs and there was Nicole. That might be the biggest upsetter. I know that the only way I'm ever going to see Nicole on a regular basis is if we lived in the same city. She isn't even going back down to Pullman. She's staying in Vancouver for school. I have seen her one time since we have been away from school... and that makes me very sad. I know in the next month or so, Jesse and I are going to take his finished RX-7 to Portland where I will be damn sure to see Nicole. She and Derron are taking Keenan to a football game in Pullman sometime, so I can drive down and see her then too. It just doesn't seem like enough, though. I mean, we hung out every single day. It's tough to get used to that then leave it and return to friends with excessive amounts of drama in their lives. Don't tell anyone this, but I think I could envision Jesse and I living in the Portland/Vancouver area sometime in the somewhat distant future. Shhh...
As far as the desire for post-secondary education goes, I think I might start toying with the idea of maybe, just maybe, taking one class in the winter quarter. I... I don't know. If nothing else, I at least want an A.A. That way I can have something to show for the year I spent at a University. I could even go to Whitworth or Gonzaga if I wanted. Those are a lot more expensive than WSU, but it's still an option. At this point I know I would never leave Spokane without Jesse. It's true, I'm so much in love with him. Even in the short two weeks that we've been together, he's done so much for me. He's opened my eyes to things that I had my back turned to for so long. He's been sweet, funny, understanding, and just incredible. The only thing that's a problem to both of us is his ex and how psycho she is. Some of the things she has done have been things that I personally would never even consider doing. I know eventually she'll see that I'm not going anywhere and cool her jets, but for now, it's stressful to see what she's trying to do and who she is trying to manipulate, but I know no one believes her bullcrap. We'll get through it.
And that's the conglomorate post for the evening. I love writing.
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Saturday, August 20th, 2005
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Jesse took some medication and it is tearing up his stomach. I feel bad for him. I wish I could snap my fingers and take away his pain. He's laying on the floor, sleeping a little. My cat curled up to him.
I hope he feels better soon...
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Thursday, August 18th, 2005
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Tuesday, August 16th, 2005
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There isn't a whole lot to say... except that I have a boyfriend now.
And I feel so in love...
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It's fantastic.
A male says, "I'll call you tonight," and he does.
I mean, the situation is far, far, far from right, but... it's off to a good start.
Today: home from camping. Wednesday: Denver ho. (who you callin' a ho?)
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Heat from a sunburn + Sitting in the shade on the deck + Wireless internet + Raspberry daquiri + Attention = A fantastic Sunday evening.
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It's fucking hilarious to see what kind of people I choose to spend my free time with.
10am phone calls...
Jessica: We should hang out tonight. Krystal, Ryan and Adam are going to the baseball game tonight. I bet he's going to ask you.
Me: Okay. We'll see.
Adam: Hey, wanna go to the baseball game tonight?
Me: Maybe, I'm sort of waiting on something else to see if I am doing anything tonight. I'll call you when I get home.
Adam: Okay, cool.
Jessica: Krystal called and definitely rubbed it in that Tyler was over and that Adam invited you to the game instead of me.
Me: *rolls eyes*
Text messages...
Krystal: Are you going to the game?
Me: I don't know, I'll let you know when I get home.
Krystal: Okay, the game's at 6.30.
Home phone calls...
Jessica: Are you going to the game?
Me: Nah, I don't think so. I need to call Adam and tell him.
Jessica: I bet he's going to call me and ask me if you can't go.
Me: Haha, that'd be funny.
Tyler (to Jessica): I'm leaving Ryan's right now because they are going to pick up Adrienne and go to the game.
Jessica: Oh.
Me: Hey, I think I'm going to pass this time and just hang around the house for a while. You can call me afterwards and see what I'm up to.
Adam: Okay, no problem.
This is where it really gets good...
Krystal (to Jessica): Wanna go to the game with us?
Jessica: I thought Adrienne was going.
Krystal: Oh, yeah we haven't really talked to her about it. I think she's going to Newport.
First they're picking me up, then they haven't even talked to me about it? I don't care if this doesn't make any sense to anyone but me, but it was a fucking hoot to hear what Krystal told Jessica about how they hadn't even talked to me about it. I had just gotten off the phone with Adam, telling him I wasn't going.
*ROLLS EYES, HARDCORE*
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Sitting in the doctor's office this morning, I saw a man and his daughter walk in. He looked pretty young, probably late 20s, not to mention how good looking he was... whew. Seeing how he was with the little girl [probably 3 years old or so] was so incredibly cute. He held her hand when they walked inside, when he started filling out the paperwork, he paid enough attention to her to know she wanted to get up on the counter, so he set her there and gave her a pen to play with. The receptionist was asking about how she was feeling and he said that she had a fever yesterday but was feeling better today, and usually they let things like this slide but they're going camping on Monday and didn't want her to be sick then. I don't know what it was, but it was the most precious thing to see a young-looking man being a father. These days, I hear too much about people having children and either the father ditches or even if they stay together, the mom is usually stuck doing everything with the child. I think that's what happens when people have children too soon. Usually, it's that the guy hasn't finished growing up enough; he's not ready to let go of his youth. Unfortunately they don't understand that he shouldn't have a choice to keep his youth once he has a child. If people wait until their late 20s/early 30s--when they are ready to be adults 24/7--then one of the parents wouldn't have the majority of the burden. Yes, I said burden. :P In no way am I saying seeing that made me want children any more than I did before [which is basically not at all], but it was nice to see a man taking some responsibility. I don't have any idea what his situation was, but he seemed to genuinely care, and that's fantastic.
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Sitting in the stands, enjoying the mild, clear evening. I look up and to my right slightly for viewing the fireworks show. It's quick and there's irritating music playing in the background, but it's not phasing me. I think of what I have discovered, what I am going to change, who I am going to become, and those innocent bursts of light aren't just in the sky... they're in my heart, too. I am happy, for after all of this agony, misunderstanding and frustration, I am going to come out with a stronger heart. Tough as nails. I am stepping up to this challenge and doing just what I wanted to continue doing; growing up.
I can't lose my faith. It's never leaving.
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LJ is becoming harder and harder to use. It's starting to feel like whatever I write here is just becoming trivialized as soon as I type it down. Maybe I'll shake that feeling... but that's why I haven't been very active around here lately.
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I think it's juuuust about time to yank my tonsils out. They've been here long enough.
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This'll be quick.
I see the light at the end of the tunnel, and I feel like there's some hope for me out there now... I'm not going back to Pullman. I'm going to move out of my house in the August/September area. Oh, thank god for freedom, or at least freedom in the future. I can't even put that into better words.
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set me free
unleash your strange ecstasy
for only with you
could strange be so good
open your door
as I now crave more
your mystery kills
with its fatal thrills
you send chills u p m y s p i n e
don't have to use a line
'cause you have me anyway
you needn't have words to say
just one look is quite enough
you know I like it rough
at least show me some sign...
I just want to make you mine
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![[info]](http://l-stat.livejournal.com/img/userinfo.gif){kind=small}
glowingdivine's journal
loved.
good.
lethargic.
contemplative.
just like a scorpio.